march 20th, 2024 - 8:07pm
it's another rough one this time because i never update this with any good news.
my friend got unfairly pissed off at a group of our friends, so that group left the server. i'm scared to confront either party about it, but just none of it sits right with me and i want out of the situation even though it's technically already over. that's cool. i love being afraid of confrontation.
vstream is shutting down. literally started streaming on there last week and it's already going away. because heaven forbid i ever have anything nice on the internet. it's fine, tho. it's not like pretty much every major platform i've been on starts to go down the shitter as soon as i make some sort of traction on them. looks at twitter. looks at tiktok. looks at deviantart. looks at twitch. looks at amino. looks at spacehey. looks at newgrounds. looks at patreon. looks at youtube. looks at tumblr. looks at amino again.
here's to another year of chasing down my idol dreams despite them getting further and further away from me every time. and another year. and another year. and then another and another and another. but wait! when i finally get my chance, the company will have a giant njsj-level scandal that will leave all its talents reputationally FUBAR! yippee! i love this wonderful cyber world! i wish it wasn't the only way i could make money and not feel like a total fucking freeloader!
february 28th, 2024 - 11:53pm
got a call from my aunt recently saying that she's basically forcing me to go up to my grandpa's house to visit him. he's not really in a good way, and she wants me to see him again. i was already planning on visiting him at the end of march after the reptile expo, but recently he fell pretty hard and she's getting worried about him.
it's becoming common knowledge recently that tumblr has been selling people's data to train AIs, so i tried out an anti-AI art cloaking tool only to find out that it was a grift. thought about deleting my art tag off of there but what's the use if it's already got it. might make a bluesky but i haven't properly sussed it out yet. put a halfhearted disclaimer on my gallery page so that i at least have it in writing. not like anyone's gonna care. anyone who would steal my shit would sure as hell ignore whatever warning i put on there because that's what they always do. let's just hope that this is the one thing my obscurity is good for: hiding me from cockholes like that. for now.
my partner's breakdowns have been affecting me too. they get up to drive our roommate to work at 3:45AM and get back in bed at around 4:10AM. it's really hard on their body and it hurts to see them like that, but i'm losing my own sleep trying to comfort them. it's not that i don't want to do it, i would do anything for them. i just think it's taken a toll on my mood, especially since i think my godforsaken cycle is gonna start soon.
i wish being trans didn't suck so much. i wish being online didn't suck so much. i wish being an artist didn't suck so much. i wish being disabled didn't suck so much. i wish being born female didn't suck so much. i wish not having money didn't suck so much.
february 26th, 2024 - 8:06pm
i have company over and i don't even wanna socialize with them. i have like three drawings that i need to finish soon and i don't even wanna touch them. i have so many songs and videos that i wanna put out into the world and i don't even wanna post them.
my roommates wonder why i feel so goddamn useless all the time and then they keep me from calling my doctor or seeking any sort of medical attention because we can't afford it. news flash: that's the reason i feel so fucking useless in this house! i know that if i pulled my weight more around here and got a real job, we'd be able to be a little more lax about things like that. but i can't, so we can't. and it's literally all because of me. i brought this on myself. i'm useless because of my own choices and now i have to live with them.
i talked with my grandpas today. the one on my mom's side used to work security for the wwf in the 60s and 70s, so i called to ask if he had any stories to tell from that time. he said he didn't remember a whole awful lot, but it was interesting nonetheless. pappaw, the one on my dad's side, is a little harder to talk to just because he never wears his hearing aids and he's getting slower and slower to respond every day. it makes me nervous, but we're gonna visit him at the end of march. i hope he lasts that long. i did come out to him as trans tho, and he gave me... a bare minimum response of "oh it's your life, you're an adult, it's okay". i'll take it tho. lord knows i'm not getting much more.
still no word from anybody on any sort of employment opportunity, but i am finally up to 600 subs on youtube. that's nice i guess.
the cost of chasing your dreams to the ends of the earth is that all of the sudden you've been running for so long that your lungs feel like they're on fire and your legs are giving out, but you know you have to keep running. if you stop, you'll have let down all the other people who stopped. it hurts. they stopped because it hurt. some never even got started because they knew it would hurt. no matter how much you just want to slam on the breaks and breathe, you have to keep going. if you don't, your dreams will disappear over the horizon, and so will you.
january 20th, 2024 - 11:29pm
oh god it's been a second since i've written here. i have not been doing good.
on christmas day i was so sick that i just sat and cried for most of the evening. it was probably covid because my roommate had it, but i could still taste things just fine, so i don't know. it just sucked. it sucked so hard that i had to promise myself that i would live through it and achieve my dreams, and i think that's why i cried. i cry when people lie to me.
i started doing vocal performances in vrchat despite not having a vr headset, so it looks a little strange to just have my little desktop user self be standing stiff as a board on the stage while i'm trying my best to make up for it with mitski tunes. i had a really big performance the other night, one that prompted a couple of my non-vrc friends to download it so they could watch me. but pretty much exactly halfway through my set, my power went out. i sat in the dark for an hour waiting for it to come back on, and it wasn't until i went out into the living room to look down the street at the other houses that i realized that the fridge and everything in the kitchen was still working and the living room light was on. turns out vrc was getting so intensive that because i had forgotten to turn off my bearded dragon's daytime light, i tripped the breaker to my part of the house, so it was literally all my fault. the slightly good news is that i recorded my set up until then so that my friends who couldn't make it could see it.
the heating in my house is kind of a joke, and it doesn't help that my computer desk is against a wall with a window on it, so i feel like i get frostbite on my hands just from doing what i do every day. and now my roommate's starting to get sick again, which means it's probably going to be a repeat of christmas. i am a NEET. i don't go out into the world of my own accord, and i always double-mask whenever i am out. i am the only non-working person in my four-person household in a house not meant to really even house more than two, and the house itself is actively destorying itself and is as good as a ticking timebomb because it was literally built illegally.
everything sucks, but i have to keep going because one day i'm going to achieve my dreams. one day i'll be able to do what i love in a way that helps the people i love too. i just don't want to be so afraid of everything all the time. i just don't want to be in pain all the time. i just don't want to feel like a freeloader all the time. i just don't want to waste all my time.
november 22nd, 2023 - 2:33pm
WHO PAID FOR MY MIKU FINFIN COVER TO PLAY ON WAYNE'S STREAM AS A MEDIASHARE I JUST WANNA TALK
october 29th, 2023 - 12:55pm
tell me why literally all of the dates on here were fucked up in some way. that's so funny. october the twelvend.
i made a furaffinity page today, as well as a page that will be unlocked when i am elligible for superchats on my streams. i'm excited to start using them more often! i like making new accounts on different places. it's like i'm setting up vacation homes in different locations, or carving out my own little corner of the web. i hope furaffinity doesn't pull a deviantart and decide to pull some bullshit AI mallarkey a month after i make my account thus forcing me to delete it and then deciding that they weren't done and fully sealed their own coffin by supporting israel. me when i'm in a race to have a 0-person user base and my opponent is deviantart.
this coming week's streams are [WARNING: DATA EXPUNGED]. happy halloween!
october 17th, 2023 - 12:00am
i was turned down for the vgen artist invite code, and without a twitter, i have only to bank on the discord events to get one right now. it's rough, but that's just how it goes. i'm a little bitter about it, but it's only a human response. whatever.
anyway, oh god i had the weirdest dreams last night. i say "dreams" instead of "dream" because there were two.
so the first one was like a real tolkienian setting. in fact, The Real Gimley was there with me on a mission to escort me, a noble i think?, back to my dad. we went to some kind of big market full of jewels and gems, but it was like a really exclusive sort of joint, so the guy at the door was like "i hope you two have enough for admission" and gimley was like "right, right, well how's about this big ole chunk of dwarvenite?" and he pulls out this little gemstone piece that looked kinda like labradorite only slightly bigger than a guitar pick, and apparently it's such a rare metal that a piece that small is considered a big ole chunk bc it was enough to let us in. while we're shopping he asks me about my life, and i say that i really resonate with elves because of their seemingly effortless androgyny. it seems i cannot escape the gender envy even in dreams. anyway the problem was that that gemstone was the only thing he had to trade, so we start stealing shit. a lot of shit, to the point where a military captain, who looked like lord nickelbottom from flapjack, and his crew, who also all looked like lord nickelbottom from flapjack, were chasing us. me and gimley got separated bc he told me to run on ahead, and i find the exit on my own bc this place is as maze-like as a convention merch hall but somehow even more cramped. it's like an indoor flea market, for reference. i meet up with him outside bc somehow despite me running ahead of him, he got outside before me. he's out there pushing all our stolen treasures out onto a bunch of rafts so we can sail away with a fleet of gold. we had to get in the water to hook them all up tho, so it was a little unwieldy and we almost got caught by The Nickelbottom Crew, but we did it. also by the end of the dream i had morphed into jolyne kujo? but also i had been her the whole time? it's weird.
the second dream was at my old high school but the layout was all kinds of different. like the people were still there going about their business and whatever, but it was set up like half-and-half where everybody on one side of the school would have all their classes n shit be over there and everybody the other would have all their classes n shit be over there. there were multiple gyms and auditoriums for this reason. there was some big event happening that day, a multi-media interactive play/movie type deal where the playbills were also like bingo cards where they were random for each person and you had to do something to it every time something was said depending on what playbill you got. i'm standing in line for it and everybody's going in in pairs bc it's considered "a couple's date night scary movie event" or something. i am alone so i'm still a little fickle on whether or not i actually wanna watch it, but on the screen ahead of me i see that they're watching one of my youtube streams as one of the previews. i figure if the show runners know who i am, it's be fun to be in the crowd. since there were so many couples coming in, the place is damn near packed, so i start to make my way back out thinking "eh maybe this wasn't worth it" but on my way back i find a seat next to my roommate who was also seated alone. the presentation does this weird thing where the movie part is Basically Just Emesis Blue but the play part is Basically Just Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. about a fifth of the way through the movie, my mom and my mammaw storm in looking for me. i had apparently promised to meet them there so we could watch it together. they get mad at me and then storm back out with a couple folks behind us yelling back at them shit like "ey, down in front!" and all that y'know. after a little bit, i look at my roommate who for some reason doesn't agree to go with me and make my way in their direction. trying to navigate the school in a wheelchair was a fucking nightmare and a half. i end up clear at the other side of the school, and i had to cut through the performances in the other gym to get there just for my mom and mammaw to not be there. i try to make my way back and the velvet of my shirt got velcro'd to that of one of the performers and i made a giant ass out of everyone there myself included, to the point where i just got up from my wheelchair and painfully trudged out of the inaccessible auditorium. i find myself in the cafeteria that is currently set up for the school's craft fair, but it's once again set up like a convention merch hall but super cramped. not the same layout as the previous dream, but somehow even more maze-like than before. by some miracle, i'm spit back out where my mom and mammaw are, where they're setting up photo backdrops for my mom's friend's granddaughter. so i'm like "all that hullabaloo for this?"
and then i woke up.
anyway, stream schedule is a little wonkus this week because of some prior engagements and just generally being a little foggy this week. bit of a longer entry this time, but ough i had to write those dreams down as soon as i woke up.
october 14th, 2023 - 11:25pm
so last night i played house flipper for the first time, and i can't deny that it's a little addicting. i pretty much did nothing but play that today. and watch one piece. watched a lot of one piece today. and various video essays. there's a 7.5 hour one i'm working on about a game i'm interested in called "who's lila?" and i love the art style and how intricate everything is.
having to explain my gender to people on stream is getting a little wearysome. on one hand, i want to protect myself in the moment by giving the illusion that i'm a cis dude with a high, feminine voice due to pubophonia and just generally being gay. on the other, i want to, as corny as it is, be true to myself or whatever and stick to the truth, that i'm transmasculine. but people don't seem to like either response, and honestly, i don't quite like either one much myself. don't get me wrong, i love being trans. the act of creating my best and fullest self is a process that is very important to me (why else do you think i like house flipper so much lmao). it's just a lot to have to deal with when you're surrounded on all sides by people who would love to see your frozen bloated corpse rotten in the noonday sun. that's a little graphic, i apologize...
next week's streams are starting off with milk in a bag, and then we're probably gonna do some more drawing and maybe even some music composition? i'll think about it some more.
october 10th, 2023 - 9:40pm
i got my facial masculinization and top surgery done... in my dream last night. words cannot describe how frustrated i was when i woke up, especially with yesterday's blog entry. i did my best not to cry, but god damn did it hurt.
i was gonna do a surprise house flipper stream today, but that's probably gonna still be friday. a bit of a last-minute decision to have last night's stream be tf2 instead, but maybe i'll do a different, more organized tf2 stream later. maybe one without quite as much lag if i can manage it? one can only hope and dream. like the undertale song.
tomorrow's stream is YOMI hustle with my partner! they had a stint of playing it a whole hell of a lot, so they know more than i could ever hope to on account of the fact that i'm going in totally blind to it. i'm excited!!!
october 9th, 2023 - 5:31pm
ough. i am bushed. i've been feeling extra dysphoric lately, and kinda just generally displeasured with how i look. i just want my hair to be long already!! but also i want my chest to be flat and my voice to be deep and my legs to be long and my face to be sharp and and and... ugh! if only everything didn't cost so damn much all the time. the good news is that i started writing a visual novel to try and describe these feelings in a more tactile, describable way. the bad news is that i have to think about these feelings in order to describe them in a tactile, describable way. i have to kinda stew in them for me to really study it and figure out from there how to describe it. it's a real catch 22. it's a feeling that stews in the pit of my stomach and makes me feel like i just got done crying despite having not done any crying. maybe it's my soul crying. that sounds cheesy. idk.
anyway and now for something completely different. i added my fanfiction.net account to my socials page because i'm gonna try to do a little more writing. i have some fun crossover ideas that i think would do well on there. they'll be posted on ao3 and my writing site as well, but i wanna test them out on there first. i wanna kinda get reaquainted with the site too. it's a cool little place. did you know there's a mighty b and black butler crossover fic? whoduh thunk? it's a wide world of possibilities.
i'll be streaming house flipper tonight and then doing some video editing.
october 2nd, 2023 - 12:20am
oh hey i made one of these finally. wow look at me. how long have i had this website now and i didn't think to make one of these? whatever.